Doing the work is not fun, but it can be meaningful

On pills that are hard to swallow

I anxiously sat in the exam room, waiting to be told my HbA1C results. After 3 months of having one less chai every day (it was very hard), less sugar, no alcohol, something... something must have changed. Those early work mornings of pre-diabetic, un-caffeinated daze had to have paid off. My hematologist made me wait for 10 more minutes, and then finally read out the lab result that I had been holding my breath for, sounding almost amused - it has gone down by 0.1, you must be doing something right!

0.1

All of that work and that’s it?

I’m tired honestly. This past year has shaken up my beliefs about pretty much everything that I thought I believed in. Those things that a younger version of me used to prioritize seemed to have disappeared as I have grown, being replaced by a heightened interest in my own health, wellness, career and financial goals. I used to think that I could ambiguously flow-state my way into my dream life, while prioritizing everything but my own goals. Truth, much like the brittle aftertaste of the weekly iron pills I need to take in order to function, is certainly unpleasant. I discovered that thing that most humans feign years of adulthood to finally understand, your dream life requires you to put the work in, and the work is not always (read: often NOT) fun!

In 2023-2024, my weekday evenings looked like clubbing (excessively and not in the fun & freeing way), watching movies/shows that numbed my mind, ordering junk food, yearning after my emotionally draining-relationship, complaining about it, pitying myself and doing absolutely nothing to change my reality. I still remember how exhausted I would be after work, not wanting to do any self-care, and immediately readying myself for social gatherings with people who ironically, I no longer speak to.

In 2025-2026, my weekday evenings have looked like exercising, meal-prepping, working on academic projects/research/panel presentations, making time for mentorship/therapy/spiritualist meetings, and spending meaningful time engaging with media that feels good to me, and not like an escape.

I don’t mean to bash my younger self, if anything, I feel so much empathy for her. She had to go through that hellscape to learn about her own needs and boundaries. She had to completely lose her sense of self in order to regain it again. Had I not spent hours and hours escaping from my own self, I would never have come to a point of having uncompromising & devotional reverence for my own space, boundaries and dreams. And yet, it still isn’t enough. The only thing between me and my dream life is unyielding discipline.

I’ve read multiple comparisons about the reframing of discipline to devotion, and what I can confidently conclude is that both are just words. What really matters is how much you care about making a change. Call it what you want to call it. Nothing changes unless you have a gritting determination that the change must. be. made.

I’m there. I think? Maybe one more less cup of chai? I’ve seen my patients who are diabetic and I know how hard that life is. I also know that it could very well be my future if I do not get more determined. I’ve been trying to alternate the milk chocolate for dark chocolate, the junk food for fruits. I’m usually pleasantly surprised - it’s not even that I don’t like the taste of the healthier alternatives, the challenge for me is in the space between making the decision to take the action and actually taking it. God, that is so fucking hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do - making better choices. I have to challenge my entire being in that moment, and make a herculean effort towards completing that predetermined action.

I know I will get there. I know it’s not going to be easy. And I know, that now that every fibre of my being is hellbent on changing my reality, absolutely nothing will come in my way, outside of my own will.

When I close my eyes, I no longer dream of being chosen - I dream of choosing myself, and the choice feeling effortless. I dream of health and happiness. I dream of waking up feeling energetically lighter. I dream of being able to run for miles without tiring, just how I used to when I was a national-level athlete at 17. I dream about playing the sports that I used to love and making music again. I dream of doing the work that I love and not having to worry about my next paycheck. I dream of having a cat (I will get one when I can afford her). I dream of a joyful life.

I open my eyes and I know that each of those dreams are very realistic and completely within my grasp. The journey forward requires of me to not lose the self-trust that I have worked so hard to birth. Doing this work may not always be fun, but it is so very meaningful, because I am doing it for me.

Pictured above: Yours Truly, after a much needed workout. One day at a time!