How To Date (Wisely) As a Woman

On attracting healthy partnerships

Ask a Brown woman if she grew up in a happy home, more often than not, you will be surprised. It hurts my heart to speak this way, but I must tell the truth. We are rarely taught about healthy love. Most of us have grown up watching our mothers and grandmothers bend their backs in servitude. I was lucky to grow up in a home where all of the women were educated, however, none of them chose their own life partners. In India, marriages are usually arranged. I recognize that even having the ability to write this post, deems me with a privilege that my mother and grandmothers never had growing up.

As a woman, it is imperative to seek your individual identity outside of the limitations put forth by the patriarchy. Unfortunately, even today, many of us have not moved past the flawed social system that determines the existence of two genders as being absolute, with one of them being valued more than the other. To add to this, my personal experiences as a clinician and a woman, have clearly demonstrated to me that the quality of equity is still misunderstood in most relationships. Without an understanding of our social conditioning, our attachment style, and an overall self-awareness, it is very difficult to attract and maintain a healthy partnership. To move towards relationship harmony, we must first unlearn every harmful thing that we have been taught about ourselves.

So how does a woman date healthily? Especially one who has never been taught how to value the beauty of her full self?

Learn yourself first.

I do not say this to perpetuate the unhealthy belief that we are only deserving of loving romance when we are healed. I say this to encourage a more self-aware way of connecting with others, one where we study ourselves and learn what we each individually need to thrive. One where there is space for the existence of several types of love, and ways of loving. One where each way is approached with care and compassion. Yes, even polyamory.

When you begin to observe yourself closely, you begin to view your potential partners differently. You learn your own fears, insecurities, needs, desires and begin to see yourself as a person of value despite your short-comings. You are not swayed by chemistry. I sh*t you not, if you are an attractive person who knows how to talk to others, you’ll have chemistry with a spoon. Desire has little to nothing to do with sustaining long-term relationships. Anybody who tells you otherwise, has likely never had a successful long-term relationship, so stop listening to them.

Let’s do a helpful exercise to demonstrate what unhealthy dating looks like.

Scenario A. You meet somebody, you have chemistry, you become intrigued, you feel attracted to them, you go on a few dates, but then it quickly fizzles out. If you are traumatized or have an unhealthy attachment pattern, you may even mistake your infatuation for love, and then you begin to feel betrayed. So if all the excitement and passion was there, why didn’t it work out? Why do you still feel uncertain? Why do you still hesitate to ask for what you need? Why can’t you walk away or “get over them”?

Scenario B. You meet somebody, it’s great from the start. Things move quickly, almost too quickly. The next thing you know, you’re imagining your life with them. Then the inconsistency comes. They pull away, you chase. You withdraw, they come back. The cycle continues until something that started off as beautiful, turns into something rotten. It is most difficult to heal from this, because inconsistency is a great form of creating emotional turmoil, consequently trauma. It works the same way as a substance addiction. There is a trigger-stimulus-reward mechanism that goes into the act of “waiting it out”, and it rarely results in a happy ending.

I speak from experience.

As a therapist and a woman, scenario A and B are the most common ones I hear about. Outside of the really messed up one’s that involve lying, cheating, and abuse. I am grateful, I’ve never experienced those.

Both of the above scenarios are inspired by two factors, the external and the internal.

The external factors, as I highlighted above - environmental influences (colonialism, patriarchy), social location, gender, sexuality, cultural location, economic location, all of these impact the development of a healthy bond, whether you like it, or not.

The internal factors - your own attachment style, your own level of self-awareness, your understanding of your own needs and desires, your ability to act upon what you need, your fears and insecurities, your childhood wounds.

To find, and keep love, first learn what you are looking for.

Be discerning. Here are some questions to ask yourself.

Are you looking for short-term experiences that fulfill a certain need? Are you able to be honest about your needs with your potential partners? If not, what is holding you back?

Are you looking for a long-term partnership or marriage? What kind of partnership is this? Is it monogamous or non-monogamous? Who is it with? Do you know your sexuality (are you certain)? Do you still want to explore? What is driving your desire?

Are you sure you are ready to welcome another person (or people) into your life? Do you even have the space and time for it? How do you deal with conflict? What is your style of communication? What are your triggers? What are your boundaries?

When you gain self-awareness, which ironically does lead to personal growth and healing, you lose the desire to act on trauma-driven stimuli. You no longer feel the need for instant gratification, because you learn to value your own body and mind. It takes time. It is hard. And it requires a lot of patience.

On keeping love.

You may find a healthy love. Or one that appears to be, but how do you keep it?

This is why the dating period shouldn’t be short-lived or rushed. Learn to co-exist. Learn patience. A long-term partnership requires consistent effort and communication. You can meet the funniest, sexiest and most interesting person in the world, and they may still fail to meet your needs. The only way to keep a long-term relationship, is if you know your own needs, know how to ask for what you need and truly believe that you are worthy of the effort it requires to have your needs fulfilled.

Fall in love with yourself first. Put that same effort you desire from another, into learning yourself. If you have strong boundaries, spend a healthy amount of time engaging in your own interests and passions, you will not depend on your romantic relationship to be your sole-salvation. Then, even if things do go awry in your relationship, you will have enough detachment to view things as they realistically are, instead of from rose-colored glasses. This will allow you to engage in repairing and restoring after conflicts, instead of disconnecting and resenting.

The couples who last are the ones who know how to fight.

The most exciting relationships (sadly) occur when you have an unhealthy attachment style. Our trauma-driven stimuli lead to us craving the passion, restlessness and excitement that these dynamics provide.

Believe it or not, healthy love doesn’t always feel exciting, it feels peaceful and safe.

In a healthy relationship, you will have periods where you feel irresistibly drawn to your partner, and periods where you crave your own space. However, the love and desire doesn’t fade away in those moments of separation. When you reconnect, the flame is lit again. It is the ability to maintain space in a relationship that inevitably determines its success.

Anybody who loses interest in you because of distance, is not your soulmate.

In a healthy relationship, you are not “obsessed” with your person. You view them as a human-being, inclusive of their flaws and shortcomings. You choose to love them despite those imperfections. Perhaps they have habits that tick you off, but those oddities are endearing and deserving of compassion, not habits that you detest and abhor, or that dim your person’s light for you.

Obsession is a sign of internal wounding. It is not love.

Finally, this one is for my Brown women.

I know it’s hard to rebuild your self-worth and value when you have internalized harmful beliefs about yourself. Be patient. The love you want, will come. First exist in the frequency that you desire to attract. Treat yourself with the same compassion, understanding and patience that you would desire from your partner. Even when you make mistakes. Even when you disappoint yourself. Even when you don’t look or feel your best.

Be confident in your own power. You are powerful, with or without a partner. You are a striking individual with your own strengths and weaknesses. The more time you spend with yourself, the more you will learn about yourself. Isn’t there something so beautiful in being devoted to your own purpose? When you act in the way that is most aligned with your best path, you will attract a partner and a community that acts in the same way. Your life will then become full of synchronicities.

Look beyond your fear. The happiest people are usually the bravest. They are not scared to be by themselves. They are not scared to leave situations that don’t fulfill them. They are not scared to ask for what they need. You are so much more than the lies that you have been taught about yourself. Remember this, social conditioning exists to control people. A woman who refuses to be controlled, is very very scary. Go out there, be unafraid. Watch how you have the world in your palms.