Today, I will be crowned the queen of hearts. I sit in anticipation, gently rubbing my belly, hoping that it will push away the nervousness that swirls within me. I don’t feel like a queen. Rather, a mother. It has been difficult for me to face my reality. Now that I have grasped the depth of my power, I worry that I may not wield it in an honorable way. I submerge into my rose-water bed and let the warmth take over me. I am sweltering hot. Red with passion. The blood of my ancestors colors me with life. My coronation awaits me.
Of course, I must wear scarlet. Of course, my caramel skin must be adorned with gems. How will I be different if I am not shining and glistening with jewels? I must hold my chin high and square my shoulders. I must glide across the velvet carpet as my loyal crowd welcomes me with their loving eyes. I must not budge through the restrictive corset, it is what marks my fertility. I am the ultimate creator. The empress. I must be her today.
Slowly, I fool myself into a narcissistic wormhole. I am divine. I am greater than everyone else. It continues and continues and continues. I face a large crowd, wearing a golden crown embellished with carnelian and jade, that weighs down my delicate forehead. I can not see anybody that I am responsible for. I can feel them all staring at me, waiting, watching, for a miracle? For magic? Don’t they know that my magic would lose meaning if they were not there to witness it?
Would a queen still be a queen if there was no kingdom for her to rule? Do we love the queen for her mystery and unattainability or because she protects us and nurtures us? How can anybody feel nurtured by a simple idea? I am but a magnanimous figure of divinity that you worship, believing that I will save you. I can not grant you your salvation. I can only lead by example.
I am the queen of hearts with a bleeding heart. I want to step down from this altar that you have put me on and sit beside you. I want to hold your hand as you weep and caress your face. I want to tell you that I see and feel your pain. I want to tell you to worship the divinity within you instead of looking for it in me. I want to love you into loving yourself. I am powerless in the face of my own power.
My coronation has begun.