I’ve been calling my energy back in absolution. It’s been an unsettling process. You see, I’m not used to this. I’m not used to owning the full extent of my personal power. I’ve almost always operated in an energetic deficit. My body had accepted it like a chronic illness. I’d search only for sustaining comfort, until I began to feel betrayed by everything that I had deemed comforting. I was left with only myself, and the pressing questions —
Why don’t I have enough for me?
Where is my energy going?
To whom is it going?
Does it need to be there?
Some may find me cruel for cutting them off without a single word. But I have used so many of my words already, that I had none left to offer them. Something has changed within me. I no longer feel the urgent need to explain myself. While I do believe that my journey here involves uplifting and healing, I can not help anybody from a place of emptiness. If you find yourself devoid of my energy, it is because I am choosing to keep it that way. Do not seek me out. Seek out only your true self. If we are meant to meet again, we will, in a new life.
I have been grieving and completing cycles. Ending old habits and picking up new ones. Healing, messily, fully. Embracing my new self. I am still getting to know her and she has an edge. I can feel the intimidation of those who approach my fortress. I no longer hesitate to draw my boundaries. You must be invited inside. I have become so used to this spear in my right hand, using it is almost second nature to me now. I do not say anything when I do not need to, my voice is sacred.
2025 is the year of the serpent. I will be 28 soon. My spiritual practices have led me to understand that my inner snake has only begun to uncoil. I have a long way to go, but my prayer in practice looks like the destruction of my mask, the healing of everything that lies beneath its surface, and my surrender to my own inner wealth of wisdom. One that I can only reach, by diving headfirst into myself.
I’ve been considering the messages that I wish to share here. For now, this will continue as is. You will hear from me when I have something important to deliver to you. I promise to speak up when I need to.
Know this, you will be seen only if you see yourself. You will be respected, only if you respect yourself. You will be loved in fullness, only if you deem yourself worthy of it. You exist within a mirror, always reflecting back that which you believe most true of yourself. So which will it be? Will you tell the world who you are, or will you let your story die, undiscovered and unspoken?
I am a priestess and healer. I am an alchemist and an artist. I understand transmutation and healing, because I have spent my entire existence transmuting my pain into something worthy of meaning. I do not fear death, because I have looked her in the eye, and she is a beautiful escape. I am an alchemist, because I understand that creation and destruction are two sides of the same coin. My pain has a purpose, does yours?
The cycle of life is unbreakable and necessary. It will end and then it will begin. Everything is temporary. Find comfort only within your breath.
Until next time,
A.
