I know who you think of when the warmth is gone. Your skin is slowly disintegrating, specks of blood visible underneath its surface, almost like your heart is desperate to remind you each winter of your humanness. What is the death drive but a stark reminder of divine impermanence? The bravest thing one can do is die. You, a coward, try to evade it like a dog chasing it’s own tail. She is a part of your destiny and her looming shadow will be attached to you like an appendage until your last breath. The only certainty in life is our mortality and the greatest thing you can do is to honor it. In every second, of every minute.
Underwater boy, you almost drowned in my ocean. It is difficult isn’t it, to love somebody so vast, so vulnerable? Somebody who knows how to find you energetically in every form you occupy. Somebody who observes and honors your transmutation and even frames it in their own eyes. The best pictures I took of you are the ones that you never saw. Somebody who wants nothing more than to experience you in your wholeness, something that even you are afraid to do for yourself. Tell me darling, when was the last time you really cried? When was the last time you told somebody that you loved them and you truly meant it? When was the last time you let somebody take your beautiful face and hug it closely to their beating chest, caressing your hair like there was no other reason but their love for you, keeping them alive. You are still escaping something that you cannot rid yourself of.
You criticize those of us who wear our hearts on our sleeves, but did you know that we find our greatest pleasure in sacrificing everything for our purpose? You never understood me, and you never will. Come too close to my core and you will be burned again by my fire. The vitriol you sensed beneath my lids was the absence of my expression. It was everything that I was forced to push down inside me, so that I appeared shallow enough for you to float on my clear, uncorrupt surface. I felt freer grieving you than I ever did loving you and I wish that I could tear my heart out of my chest to show you her real shape. My gravest hurt is that I still wish to be seen by you, something that I never quite experienced while within your sight.
I can no longer find myself in your words, because I have seeped into their essence. You sound like somebody who was once visited by a sensation so great that it surpassed your mortal vessel and shattered you to pieces.